The Citymeals Blog

“Coming out is a very strange experience,” says 81-year-old Joel. He was in his 60s when he came out as gay. “It took me a long time to get to that place in my own life,” he says. “But I finally have the life that I want and I feel incredible.”

It was when he began living authentically that Joel met his husband, Jim. The couple have only been married for a few years, but admit they fit the definition of an “old married couple” perfectly.  “People think we’ve been together for 50 years,” says Jim.

Being married is something neither of them take for granted. “For generations, we could not do this,” says Joel. “The fact that we’re married is a solid statement of who we are.” In the United States, same-sex marriage was only legalized in 2015, when Joel was 70 and Jim was 73. For the majority of their lives, their marriage was an impossibility. 

Given Joel’s recent health issues, Jim is grateful that he has the legal right to be in Joel’s hospital room and be included in decision-making when it comes to his care. “There’s been a remarkable change in the last 50 years,” he says. Jim is an activist who has been involved in the fight for equality since he witnessed the Stonewall Riots of 1969. He was a founding member of the Gay Liberation Front. “It’s quite remarkable that we can even have this conversation.”

Despite the steps forward society has made when it comes to gay rights, being openly gay is not without its challenges. When Joel first came out, he had to find a new primary care provider. His doctor at the time — who had been Joel’s doctor for years — told him he was crazy, that there was something wrong with him.  

Studies have shown bias among medical professionals can affect patient care. One study found that nearly one quarter of LGBTQ people have not come out to their doctor. And people 80 years or older are more likely to keep their identity a secret. All of this results in worse health outcomes for many gay people, especially as they age. 

“Most of our contemporaries aren’t here anymore,” says Joel. 

Loneliness and isolation can also be a problem for older gay people. Older LGBTQ people are more likely to be estranged from their families. They often don’t have children who can provide care as they age. And they’re twice as likely to be single and live alone. Luckily, that’s not the case for Joel. “If I didn’t have Jim,” he says, “living longer would be very difficult.” 

They haven’t yet had to consider moving into assisted living — thanks to the home-delivered meals Joel receives, which ensure he always has a meal on hand, even when Jim can’t be there. Many older LGBTQ people find assisted living homes difficult to navigate, often experiencing discrimination from both the staff and other residents. Some even go back into the closet, something Joel refuses to do. “I earned my life,” he says. 

Instead, he prefers to enjoy the apartment in the East Village he’s called home for 43 years. Though, seeing himself as an “old man” is something Joel is still getting used to. “I feel that it’s a process,” he says. “In the same way that I had to come out, I have to come out as an older person.”